APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids have dinner.

DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: That Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

JUNK: Dad's stuff.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

MAYBE: No.

NO: The first word spoken by an oldest child.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a bookbag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.